Oh, Back to School…

A friend of a friend shared a back-to-school story on Facebook that I was lucky enough to see during my random time-killer phone “scrollings” (you know what I’m talking about). I’ve asked if I can share here, and she has agreed. Thank you Amanda!

By Amanda

To the parents of the other students in my son’s class:

I know you can’t believe that we are here already, we are sending our precious babies to kindergarten. This may be your first time to send a kid into the big scary and exciting school world, or maybe you are a veteran to the whole process, but here we are.

As you are spending your days finding all the school supplies, packing the lunches, picking out the new backpacks, I want to share a little bit about my son and what our preparation for school looks like.

While you are eagerly awaiting to find out who your child’s teacher is, I am spending time begging them to let me know before the first day so I can share some of the things that may cause my son to yell in class, or go to hide in the corner.

While you are picking out back to school clothes, I am considering which shoes and clothes my son will actually wear without dragging holes in them from walking on his toes.

While you are talking about all the exciting things about kindergarten with your child, I am wondering how the other students will respond if he has a meltdown in class.

While you are looking forward to new friends, new playdate and class parties, I am wondering if my son will be invited to any at all.

You see, my son has autism and he will be in your child’s class. And you will likely hear about him from your own child.

Maybe you will hear about him because he has to have something related to Spiderman on his clothes most days, or maybe you will hear about him because he really loves to sing in front of an audience (and he is pretty good at capturing an audience), but you may also hear about him because he screamed out of frustration, or he ran away from the class because he doesn’t always understand safety concerns.

And really my biggest concern for him is not how his peers will respond, because 5 year olds tend to be pretty forgiving, but is how you as their parent will respond when you hear the story about my son. When, and I know it will happen, you hear a story about my son that maybe makes you a little worried about him being in your child’s class. I am asking you now, please, please respond in love.

Please respond so that your child knows that we are all different, but that it is okay. Respond so that your child knows that it is ok to be a little scared when my son has a meltdown, but to also remember how much fun they had on the playground that day. Respond so that your child knows that my son still has value, and deserves to be included. Respond so that your child knows and remembers to choose love and inclusivity over and over and over again.

My Thoughts

Although my DS3 won’t start kindergarten for a few more years, Amanda’s story resonated with me. There are so many little (and big) things that we as parents worry about. Will my kids make the right kinds of friends? Will they act as defiant at school as they do at home? Will they have a good teacher? But, as Amanda related so well, these common concerns are overshadowed by those unique to our kids with special needs, whether due to autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or something else.

In my case, that “something else” is a hidden disability. You couldn’t know it by looking at him or even watching him for a little while, but our son has neurogenic bladder and bowel. For him, nature doesn’t “call” like it does for us. He is dependent on catheters and other artificial means for relief. Sometimes, this means he has “accidents”. So, like Amanda, I feel trepidation about him starting elementary school and what that will look like. Will he be bullied? How will he respond? Will he be overcome with shame and avoid friendships?

However, I am optimistic and am encouraged by the success stories of others. Last year, my nephew Jonah (who has ASD) completed kindergarten, and although I’m sure there was an abundance of stress for my brother’s family, it went very well. His class was inclusive and he made friends, he was even chosen as student representative for the ribbon-cutting ceremony at the new school. He continues to amaze us and his support network is an inspiration to me.

With continued outreach and improved awareness, I believe the idea of “normal” will become obsolete, and parents like Amanda, my brother, and me will have less fear of our child’s future. I will echo Amanda’s final words:

Respond so that your child knows and remembers to choose love and inclusivity over and over and over again.